I am not happy with my job. It sounded pretty good on paper…and had the possibility of being decent but due to many things (mostly politics), it sucks. When I first moved here, I decided to take some classes and become a certified paralegal. This made sense to me because I’ve always loved the law (I was originally headed to law school after college but got side tracked by my love of social work) and because I wasn’t sure how easily I could break into social work in a city where I didn’t know the politics and didn’t have my rolodex (social workers live and die by their contacts – can’t get things done if you don’t know people). I had also just come off a job where billing hours were more important than client needs and I have trouble functioning in that type of environment. I had no desire to head to law school at this late date – I’m at a different place in my life and didn’t want a career (or classes) that would take over my life. I completed the classes never knowing if I would ever use the certification or not. It would mean starting over career-wise.

Now here I am. I am in a job which looks great on my resume and pays me the first decent wage I’ve made as a social worker. But I hate it. I shuffle papers, soothe egos and attend meetings. I don’t really help anyone directly. The results of my job will benefit a good number of kids but I believe I’ve already got the most beneficial piece of my project in place. I find myself surfing job ads every Sunday. I am tempted to send my resume out for an entry-level paralegal position. I just can’t seem to make up my mind about whether or not to do it. Here are my dilemnas:

1) Is it wrong to seek and accept a full time position knowing that I will likely be leaving it in the next 9 months to be a stay at home mom? (I say yes, Steve says no.)
2) I would be starting a job with no vacation time but I fully intend to travel to Guatemala to visit the baby for a week this winter and another week after the holidays. I would be willing to take the time un-paid but employers tend to hate that.
3) I might leave something I hate but I know for something new that makes me even more miserable.
4) I would have to amend adoption paperwork to reflect a new job, wouldn’t I? (UGGHH!)
5) I would be leaving this job before it was done. I hate to leave without seeing it through even though I’m not happy with the job.
6) Taking a pay cut right now seems stupid.
7) The adoption is my primary reason for hesitation. What if I decide to stick it out and this adoption stretches out months longer than I anticipated. Then I will kick myself for not making the move now. Can I make plans based on a time line that isn’t even close to set in stone?

Those are my major reservations about looking for a new job. I put it to you, my wise on-line friends, for some thoughts. Seriously, I need some input here from impartial parties.

Despite my pathetic short list of friends in my current city, I do have some very good friends who live elsewhere. One of those friends is Deanna. We’ve been friends since junior high. We giggled our way through study hall that first year and many other classes in the following years. We were inseparable during much of high school. We took our first trip to Europe together. We went away to college together (she left ½ way through our freshman year for a man…but that’s another story). We’ve lived together, scorned men together, celebrated together, vacationed together, studied together, and spent many, many hours laughing together. We had periods when we didn’t talk so much but we’ve always found our way back to each other.

If I have one image that captures the essence of our friendship, it would be the 2 of us laughing until we cried. That’s what stands out most – the laughter. We have grown older and considerably tamer over the years so now our laughter usually comes from talking about old times – but not always. Steve gets such a kick out of watching us together. We’ve gotten to the point that we don’t even tell the stories anymore, we just throw out a line from it and dissolve into tears.

Deanna is my oldest and best friend. She moved to Columbus, I moved here, and now there are 4 hours between us. I haven’t seen her since last December at her baby shower. Her daughter, Shelby, is 7 months old and I had never met her – until today. I can’t believe something so monumental has happened in her life and I wasn’t there. We got together today in our hometown in Ohio. I finally got to meet Shelby and see my crazy friend Deanna as a mother. It was wonderful to see them. Shelby is a total doll. I was so glad to finally get my hands on her adorable self!

Edited to add a sort of old photo of Deanna and me at the request of Tricia. I think she was hoping for one from the era of big hair and black eyeliner – fortunately that pre-dates the digital age. So here is a photo of us from one of our girls beach vacations circa 1996.

Speaking of friends: My dear friend, Amy, is having surgery. So I am sending lots of love her way. Feel better soon but listen to your doctor and keep your ass planted on that couch for a little while!

There were 3 referrals this week from my agency – 2 boys and 1 girl. Not the barrage of babies we were all hoping to see but we were all cheering on those who received their referrals! And thank you to all of you who have expressed your hope that our referral doesn’t take too long to get here.

I’m not impatient with the wait yet. I’m impatient with how long I’m imagining the wait will be. Does that make sense? I was fully prepared to wait for a month. It’s been almost 2 weeks and I’m still okay. It’s just the thought that it might be another 6 weeks or longer that gets to me. I’ve considered changing our request from girl to open gender. There are 2 things stopping me. First, I will slit my wrist if I have to amend my homestudy, have it certified and authenticated. Our homestudy specified that we preferred a girl (not sure why he felt it was important to put that in there). I can’t face that whole notarize, certify, authenticate process again until I am doing a power of attorney for our baby. I just can’t do it. Second, since we had the conversation and decided we wanted to adopt a girl, I’ve been mentally preparing for a girl. Our families are mentally prepared for a girl. It would be weird to suddenly shift that thinking. It would also be weird that I shifted that plan solely because I was impatient. Not that changing to open gender would mean a boy – it could obviously go either way. And not that I wouldn’t love a son as fiercely as I would love a daughter (I hear the mother/son bond is something very cool). It would just be a weird shift in thoughts. But mostly? It’s because I don’t want to amend the homestudy. And because I want to buy pretty little girl clothes.

I guess in the grand scheme of life, waiting an extra month or 6 weeks for our child isn’t such a big deal. It’s only in the short term that it seems like it is going to be hard. I’ve been thinking a lot about those near the top of our agency’s list. It must be hard to know you are near the top but see only 3 referrals this week. You are all in my thoughts!

I’ve kept a little secret from all of you. Remember this photo of my puppy showing off the world’s ugliest carpet?

Yikes! Now for the after photo:

Tada! We got new carpet today. (Figured we better do it while we are still a 2 income household.) Isn’t it lovely? Nice normal berber. The room looks incredibly different – brighter, less psychedelic. It makes me happy just looking at it. And Steve stayed home while it was installed so I didn’t have to 1) take yet another day off of work or 2) have small anxiety attacks every time strangers moved pieces of our furniture which could be broken.

Steve and I had bets about what was under the carpet in the family. I was betting concrete floor, no padding. Steve wasn’t willing to bet against that. Turns out it was concrete floor with a layer of plywood for padding and then some sort of very thin padding which had disintegrated into dust at some point in the 30 years since it was installed. Seriously, they swept up the padding rather than rolling it. Lovely.

I had no idea what a pain in the ass it would be to get new carpet. We had to take everything except furniture out of the room. We had to empty the drawers and shelves of the furniture and remove everything from the walls. Now we have to put it all back. The rest of the house is a wreck because stuff is strewn everywhere. Plus they asked Steve to turn off the window a/c on the first floor. Apparently carpet stretches better when it is warm. Huh. Must have stretched beautifully because warm doesn’t even begin to cover it. I think I’ll just sit in my newly carpeted family room and enjoy the view for awhile. While I sweat. And wait for the a/c to cool it back down in here. Maybe fairies will come and restore order to my house.

Through a couple of venues, I try to hear a little bit about how re-building is going after Katrina. I had the honor of working with several hundred evacuees who came to our city after the hurricanes last year. About ½ of them stayed and our city is all the richer for it. About ½ of them returned to LA or MS (most of them when the first snow fell). But they all brought amazing stories with them. Many of them shared photos of the damage to their homes and communities. Others worried for the safety of friends and families. Some were angry. All were heartbroken for the loss but thankful to be safe. A couple shared happy news in the midst of the tragedy: one woman gave birth the day after the hurricane, another discovered she was pregnant during a physical exam upon her arrival here.

MSNBC has a section called Rising from Ruin about the recovery efforts. There are a couple of people who do journal entries to update their personal stories. One man said his mom always told him “Life is what happens when you are making other plans.” He went on to relate that to his recovery from the hurricane. But both his story and the quote gave me a moment’s pause.

I’ve been feeling a little down because it looks like the wait for a referral is going to be a long one. (Acckk! How can I feel sorry for myself waiting a little longer for our baby when others face such huge hardships trying to rebuild their lives?) We were planning on a month but from the number of people on our agency message board talking about being on the waiting list, it might well be 2 months. Or more. We’ve started joking that when we started this, we had an outside hope of having her home for Christmas. Now we are just hoping to have a referral by Christmas. [Wait for it…I’m going to bring it all together…I promise.] I’m constantly pushing back my internal deadlines (I always pad them for small PGN delays). Originally, I was thinking she would be home by Valentine’s Day without a doubt. Then I was thinking well definitely by St. Patty’s Day. Now, with the wait for referrals, I’m thinking she’ll definitely be home by Easter (won’t she?)! I keep feeling like we are putting life on hold waiting for our child. [Feel it starting to coalesce?]

I spent ½ of every month for over a year being extra careful about everything (no coffee, no sushi, no alcohol, no Advil) just in case I was pregnant. I’m tired of living for the what-ifs! I know that we will eventually end up with our daughter. I wish it would happen sooner rather than later but I have no control over that. So my resolution is to keep enjoying my husband, our home, our friends and families – to keep living. Life is what happens when you are making other plans – I want to quit focusing on the plans and start focusing on my life. [There it is- the big finish! All tied together! Leave it to me to start with something as horrific as Katrina and weave it into a post that is all about me!]