Cracks are showing
The girls and I are doing okay here on our own. That’s what I say when anyone asks. And it is true. Mostly. But a more true answer is that this is harder on the girls than I thought it would be. I didn’t think they would like it but they are flexible and I figured with the daily Skype calls they would miss Daddy but life would go on as before. That isn’t quite the case. Already I am seeing some changes.
Every night after we close our Skype call, Sabrina cries and clings to me. She says she wants Daddy to come back on the computer and talks about how much she misses him. Some of this is her playing me but most is a genuine reaction. Tessa doesn’t have the verbal ability to express her feelings or confusion so she has started acting out in other ways. See the stuff animal on the table in the photo above? That is Tessa’s froggy. He is her comfort object. Prior to the past 2 weeks, froggy lived in her bed exclusively unless she was sick or we were traveling. She slept with him every night but the rest of the time he stayed in her bed. Since Steve left, she wants froggy with her constantly. I won’t let him leave the house (mostly because I’m afraid we’ll lose him) so every time we leave the house she throws a tantrum at leaving him behind. While we are out of the house, she’ll ask about froggy in a panicky way. I remind her he is waiting at home and she usually calms down although occasionally she’ll ask to go home to him. This is not typical behavior for her. She has also started throwing tantrums when I perform some of the things that are typically Steve’s duties. When I tell her it is time to get out of the bathtub, she throws a tantrum. When I try to put her in her PJs, she throws a tantrum. I feel awful because I know she doesn’t understand why things changed but at the same time I can’t let her think the behavior is okay.
I try to reassure both girls that it is okay to be sad that Daddy isn’t here. And I try to be understanding of the behaviors that are out of the ordinary but honestly it makes the job of holding things together here a little bit harder because I don’t know how to make it better. How can I ask them to understand something that I have trouble grasping? At the suggestion of a friend, we are going to make paper chains to count down the days until Daddy is home. Hopefully that visual reminder will be a little reassuring.
Out of curiosity, why not just move to where your husband is already? Keeping the family together makes more sense than pretending you have to be living in your home for it to sell. Heck, you can even rent your house out which is a much more financially savvy thing to do than try to keep it on the market for an extended period of time. Some rental management companies are even able to ensure that short-term renters are ones who will keep the house neat if you decide to keep it on the market.
Oh having dad away for any length of time is so tough! Every family handles it differently – all three girls do drastically different things even if its for just a week. Hang in there kiddo.
Paper chains work. We do them when Tom travels and will be doing one for his upcoming hospital stay. Also, putting together welcome home drawings and gift baskets help also. That way, if there is a tantrum during an errand, you can remind them about getting to pick out something special for the welcome home basket. It can be food or a game to play with Daddy or a magazine he likes, just small, inexpensive things but the gesture is important. Another thing that works is acting out over the top with dolls or animals what they are going thru. So maybe froggy gets a mom and dad doll/animal and dad goes out of town and froggy acts crazy and the mom doll/animal can ask Sabrina and Tessa what to do to help froggy. Especially if you are over the top with froggy’s behavior, that will get them laughing. Acting out with dolls has really worked for us cause you can refer back to it. I know EXACTLY what you mean about trying to support them in their grief yet not accept egregious behavior. I really struggle with that and whether to soothe or correct–sad to say it sometimes depends on my inner resources being low or not. Ah, motherhood, the joy, the guilt! Hang in there!
Okay, I’ll admit as I started reading I was thinking, “That’s pretty much my life as a single Mom…Drive on, just get things done!”
But then I got to Froggy. And now I’m thinking, “Dang. Having a Daddy and taking him away is a whole lot different than NOT having a Daddy in the first place!” So I’ll say this: You are doing everything well. Repeat. Repeat. (How many more days??) Your girls aren’t going to remember that you didn’t leave the house for 3 days because you were exhausted from handling their drama alone…they’re going to remember that you had a PICNIC! On the playroom floor! With lemonade they made themselves! Hoping you’ll be able to look back on this and remember some of the good stuff in the near future.
I feel so badly for your girls – change can be so scary in a little one’s world. Hope the time passes quickly for all of you and that your house sells quickly. Hang in there – this too shall pass!!!
OK, this may not work for you all….and our time has been longer so the kids have adjusted more. I had to set some ground rules for Joe. NO calling close to bedtime. That just put it over the edge. The other thing is that they honestly don’t talk to him everyday now. It’s almost easier. Not for him, but for them. Their life goes on (they are older too, so like I said!) Reese has never been much to talk to him. But, that may not be easier for the girls.
A suggestion for froggy may be that he can’t get out of the car…..you just have to make sure he is in her seat when she gets out. May help her.
How about some new bath toys/jammies?? Something Mama gave/got her…..or somehow spicing it up so you look like you rock out the routine!!
It’s not easy. Its’s not fun. It’s hard and the days are long and lonely. I don’t know it all, but after a couple of years, I am figuring it out!!! Paper chain is a great idea, though!!!