Michelle Smiles

Teaching my children to question authority, except mine.



I have been trying to imagine what it will be like to finally see Tessa’s face. But even more than that, I’ve been trying to imagine watching Steve seeing Tessa’s face. Those thoughts bring joy but also have lead to the sudden realization that I am suddenly going to have to share Tessa. She has been all mine for all of this time. Only I can speak to her activity level or guess at her mood. I am the only one with a concrete connection to her. But soon, I have to share her with the world. I’m having mixed feelings about that. I like her being all mine but I also can’t wait to share her with Steve.

With Sabrina it was different. We had photos and couldn’t wait to show them off. Then we had stories from our visits and couldn’t wait for everyone to meet her and love her as much as we did. I had a few mixed feelings about sharing her after I fostered for 2 months but it was so much work being a single mom during that time that mostly I was thankful and excited to share the workload. Yes, it was hard letting Steve take over the dinner and bedtime routines that I had developed with her but at the same time it meant that I could sit down and relax. It also meant I had someone to share the wonderful moments of watching our daughter laugh or sleep or make silly faces.

And speaking of Sabrina and sharing, I am feeling a little sad that it won’t be just her and me anymore. She has been my side kick, my buddy, my constant companion for over a year now. I am sad that our relationship will inevitably change as a result of it becoming a threesome. I know change is often a positive thing – I just fear losing some of our bond and our closeness.

None of this makes me any less excited to not be pregnant any more to meet Tessa. And none of this makes me feel any less blessed to find myself having our second daughter soon and contemplating what a second child means to our family. A “dilemma” I wasn’t sure we would ever have the joy of facing. Just the rambling thoughts of a hormonal mind.

posted under Pregnancy
15 Comments to


  1. On July 18th, 2008 at 6:31 am tonya Says:

    I know what you mean. With our first babe I hated going to family functions because it meant everyone else would be holding him. I didnt want to let him go! I held him for every nap, took him out to the mailbox with me, to the bathroom(in a bouncy seat), rarely put him down and didnt want to share him with anyone! 🙂 By the time the third babe came around I was over that mostly. I felt like they were so safe inside me too. Coming out meant being exposed to so much in the world that I couldnt control anymore.
    And– thanks for the Pittsburgh info. We had a great time and realized there was much more to do and we need to spend more time there next time! This was our second year to go to Kennywood. We love that place! Couldnt believe how many “big” rides the kids could go on with us. My 3 year old can ride the Jack Rabbit Rollercoaster and loves it!

  2. On July 18th, 2008 at 6:33 am Kelly M Says:

    Michelle, I think that is totally normal. When our 3rd daughter was born, my overriding emotion was not joy but guilt and sadness that our then 2 year old son was going to miss out on mommy time. I remember bawling when the nurse came out for a post-delivery visit (making copious notes that I was sure at the time read “Unstable, must watch”).

    It will be different, but although Sabrina will take on a new role as big sis–she will always be your little sidekick, too!

  3. On July 18th, 2008 at 6:38 am Cass Says:

    I have been doing a lot of visualizing the past few days – what will it be like when they put her in my arms for the first time, what will it be like to have the FH hold her, what about my Mom and Dad. It just makes me smile and while I am SO done being pregnant (as is well documented) I’m going to be sad to not feel her kicking and stretching and to have to hand her over for other people to enjoy.

  4. On July 18th, 2008 at 8:16 am Kim Says:

    I wondered the same thing (about sharing my attention) when we brought Baby A home. I have to say that it has been wonderful to see Alex with the baby. He has been so helpful, kind (when he’s not trying to piledrive him), nurturing, funny, amazing……I’m really going to miss that when the baby goes home.

    Remember that feeling when you saw Steve with Sabrina and your love for him became greater (ok – assuming here!!). You will feel that same way with Sabrina. When I watch Alex with Baby A my heart just swells with pride. (ok – maybe not right now – he’s trying to keep the baby from watching Dora!)

  5. On July 18th, 2008 at 8:59 am melany Says:

    I totally get what you’re saying. As exciting as it all is – it is also a lot of unknown and realization that bringing a new member to the family changes all the perfect-ness that exists right now. I’ve noticed that we’ve actually gone through recent stages (Pilar’s been with us over 1.5 years…) where the juggling and bonding with both kids is still challenging for one reason or another. It is all WONDERFUL and having two has definitely made our life better – but it is a challenge at times. But isn’t everything that is good? 🙂

  6. On July 18th, 2008 at 10:37 am Laura Says:

    Believe it or not, beautiful dilemmas to have. It is wonderful for Sabrina to have a sister! We do try to give them time one-on-one, do special things alone with Lulu (she is almost 6). You’ll be able to share your Tessa and Sabrina will be able to share her mom and dad.

  7. On July 18th, 2008 at 11:00 am carla Says:

    what you are saying makes SO MUCH sense. the loss of the singlesidekick and then “I cant even imagine this” of having two.

    it so reminds me of my TX post the day I left for Guatemala to foster.
    I was SO EXCITED for her to come home and yet a little mourned the loss of “what I knew”


  8. On July 18th, 2008 at 11:18 am Sig Says:

    SO normal. I actually went through this a few times. 🙂

  9. On July 18th, 2008 at 1:55 pm amy Says:

    I totally get this. But, as you already suspect, more is even better. Seeing the two girls together will make your heart explode.

  10. On July 18th, 2008 at 2:20 pm Kelly Says:

    it’s an adjustment but it all settles in so, so fast. And nothing is better than seeing two (or three, in my case) sisters together…

  11. On July 18th, 2008 at 2:28 pm Kim Says:

    I know what you mean. I was happy sad and scared when I got pg while we were in process of adopting L and E. I was thankful that they were home for a few months before the baby was born. I was sad excited scared etc when it was time for the baby. It’s a huge adjustment to add another child, but it will be good, but hard at first. I couldn’t imagine my life without any of my kids. It’s also neat to see what she will look like. I imagined our little boy to look just like my husband, instead he’s a clone of me. I hope everything goes smoothly for you. Word to the wise I know everyone says make extra meals now and freeze them before hand, if you can’t or don’t want to(I didn’t), finding a couple good crock pot recipes helps a lot.

  12. On July 18th, 2008 at 8:49 pm Bobbi Says:

    Michelle, I remember crying every night for weeks as I tucked Cassie in to bed each night wondering if that would be the last time it was just us……..then how I cried on the last night that Krista would be my baby as I tucked her in before we went to get Reese. I know exactly what you are feeling, and it is totally normal.

    What a wonderful time it will be when you see Steve cut the cord for your daughter, and hold her for the first time. Enjoy that moment as best you can. My memories are foggy…….but I still remember Joe and how proud he was. I also have a wonderful memory of the first time that he met our son. As I handed him over I could see that Joe was falling in love with his three month old son for the very first time. Then, when Sabrina holds her for the first time, what a great pic that will be…………AHHHH so excited for you.

  13. On July 19th, 2008 at 4:43 pm Rob Ladd Says:

    Hi Michelle,

    I ran into your website from the Amy Lynn Smith photography website. It was funny to read your posts because my wife is 36.5 weeks pregnant with our son and our two year old daughter was born in Guatemala. I was just talking to her the other day about how weird the difference is. Best wishes on a smooth birth and smooth transition for Sabrina.


  14. On July 19th, 2008 at 11:20 pm crystal Says:

    Hey girlfriend!!! I AM SOOO EXCITED FOR YOU!!!!!!! 🙂 I have been checking on you everyday!!!!! Michelle Can you believe you are this close!!!!!! I can’t wait!!! This is sooo exciting!!!!!!!

    aww Michelle I know what you are going thru–I went thru everything you posted about with Sophie and Sam–she was only here a year before Sam came home. I was so excited to bring him home but my heart was scared. –I did not want to lose the close bond Sophie and I have. (and Caleb) And I am here to tell you it just got stronger. While my time was shorter we grew together, I knew I had to make the most of all of my time with each of them —

    When you see Sabrina wanting to help you with Tessa or them playing in a few months from now it will bring tears to your eyes and your heart as Kim said will “swell with pride”– It is awesome to see them together!–Sabrina and Tessa will never know life without each other and I guarantee they will be best buds! 🙂 Sabrina will be thanking you for her sister someday 🙂 —ok I am not pregnant and I have tears thinking of your two girls!!! Michelle this is sooo exciting!!!!!! 🙂


  15. On July 20th, 2008 at 7:48 pm Laurie Says:

    One of the nurses in the hospital told me that Theo would look so much older to me when I brought Claudia home from the hospital. She was so right and I practically burst into tears when I saw him since he was my baby one minute and my little boy the next. I totally cried a lot at the end of my pregnancy and just after the birth. I cried because it was the end of my alone time with Theo and it was also the end of my alone time with Claudia and that I would have to share her with other people. The hormones don’t help. Anyway, the one thing that got me through was that I knew my kids would have each other as they got older. It’s hard to have alone time now with each of them, especially with the demanding needs of a newborn, but I somehow try to make time. Your girls will be very lucky to have each other. Sisters are a special thing.

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