Many people only take their dogs for car rides when something negative is happening – going to the vet or boarding them during vacation.  As a result, it is often suggested that we take our dogs for little car rides that don’t result in something negative – take them to the store or to the park.  This way they don’t associate going in the car with something bad happening.

I think my agency case manager is employing this tactic with me.  She called yesterday just to say congrats on PGN.  She randomly calls me just to say hi or to tell me my latest update photos were cute.  I know it is because she doesn’t want me to dread seeing her number on my caller ID.  Don’t get me wrong, it is very sweet of her (she’s a sweet lady) and I know how many people struggle with not getting call backs from their agencies.  But it doesn’t matter how many times she calls just to say hi, every time I see that area code on my caller ID I have a slight anxiety attack.  I hate to tell her it isn’t working because she is so sweet – but I’m afraid I might drive off the road or pass out in a crosswalk if she doesn’t quit it.  Do you think she knows enough not to call just to say hi around the time I would be expecting a previo or an out call?

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I talked yesterday about feeling hopeful.  I realized it has been such a long time since I felt hopeful about this process.  I felt hopeful when we made the decision to adopt – we were taking action to ensure we would have a family.  I felt hopeful when we received our referral and for the first month or so after when DNA happened quickly.  I felt a little spark of hope when our social worker interviews were done.  But this is really the first time I can say I’ve felt hopeful since our first “bump” of having to re-do our power of attorney in October.  Since then it seems we’ve hit many problems along the way.  I mean really, who gets pulled out of family court after the holidays?  I’ve had trouble getting the nursery started.  We’ve had 2 walls painted for 6 weeks, I haven’t picked out a crib, still not sure about a dresser, etc.  I’ve been so afraid to agree to a baby shower because I have visions of a beautiful shower and fast forward 4 months later still no Sabrina at home.

And even now when faced with the bleak prospects of the protocolo and the uncertainty of PGN, suddenly I have hope.  Me, the jaded smartass, I’m feeling good about things.  She is coming home in a couple of months – I can feel it.  I forgot how good hope feels.  Man, it is going to suck when this bubble bursts.