Speaking of paint (see previous post), we looked at paint last weekend for the future nursery. We originally were talking about using the green left over from the bathroom on 3 walls and then painting the 4th wall another color. When discussion of painting the bedroom resurfaced, I remembered that Steve talked me out of painting the bedroom periwinkle and we ended up with tones of green. I’m not a huge green fan. I don’t really have any strong feelings about it one way or the other. But I don’t want our entire upstairs to be shades of green so I think we will come up with a new paint color for the future nursery. Steve really doesn’t want to do it pink. He says when she is old enough to declare she wants a pink room he will happily paint it pink but for now would rather not have a pink room in the house. I’m on board with that. Maybe periwinkle in there. We don’t have a nursery theme or bedding or anything picked out yet to guide us. I really want to wait until we have a referral to pick things out. So, we’ll pick a color we like and work with it when we start decorating.

A lot of couples start their nursery early. They often have it almost finished before they have their dossier done. I think that is great but I just can’t do it. I can’t have an empty nursery in my house mocking me during the months of waiting. (Oh and it would mock me my friends.) I can’t even call that room the nursery yet. I call it the 3rd bedroom or future nursery. I don’t even know why. It’s not that I think I am going to jinx anything. It’s not that I am not excited to decorate the room for our future baby. And it’s not that I want to wait and see what kind of loot we will get at a shower (the shower is a whole other uncomfortable future consideration). I have said that I want to wait and decorate for OUR daughter rather than a hypothetical idea of a baby. This is true. But that isn’t the whole reason. The other reasons behind it are harder to articulate. When we decided to adopt, I regained my hope that we would finally have a family. But I think part of me is afraid to completely embrace that hope too soon. I feel like the longer I can focus on paperwork and signatures and notaries and appointments, the less time I will spend actually waiting. Once we get a referral and our child has a face and a name, I will be a complete head case. When she is real, it will become so hard to wait, so hard to know someone else is caring for her and loving her.