I’ve been having an email conversation with one of my stranger friends who is heading to Guatemala for her first visit.  It’s funny – I made my first visit less than 2 months ago but instantly became an old pro upon my return.  I think once we’ve made a trip, we all feel like old pros at navigating the airport, the hotel, and the baby exchanges.  Guatemala offers us a unique experience in allowing these visits.  But along with the opportunity to see our babies while they are very young and perhaps see some of the country, visiting also brings its own brand of anxiety and grief. 

I’ve traveled outside of the US a good bit but many adoptive parents have never left the country before.  Regardless of travel experience, there is normally some anxiety over negotiating the airport, retrieving luggage, avoiding close personal conversations with the policemen armed with automatic weapons, and getting to the hotel.  Once at the hotel, we worry about missing the phone call to go get the baby, ordering the needed items from the pharmacy, finding internet access so that we can send photos home, wondering if the food is okay, meeting up with other adoptive parents, and if we are going to know what to do to care for a baby for the length of the visit.  Then you spend your time marveling at this wonderful child who has been given to you like a gift.  At the end of your trip do you suddenly start worrying over how to give them back.  Don’t get me wrong, most of us think about that a lot before we go to visit.  But until you’ve held, cared for, and loved your child the true horror of that moment isn’t completely known to you. 

I’m finding the anticipation of my second visit much different than my first.  Before we visited the first time, I was filled with excitement and nerves.  This time, I don’t have any logistics to distract me.  I know the airport.  I know how to get my luggage and find the shuttle.  I know to request a stroller at check in.  I don’t have anything to distract me from the inevitable conclusion of the trip – saying goodbye again.  I’ve had trouble shifting my focus to the happy part of my trip – seeing Sabrina and sharing the trip with my mom.  It has robbed me of some of the joy leading up to the trip but I won’t allow it to rob me of the joy of 5 days with my daughter.  As it gets closer, I am getting better at shoving the bad back and focusing on the good.  My excitement level is rising daily.  I really can’t wait to see her again.  I can’t wait to see my mom become a grandmother (or Abuela as she would like to be called). 

Back to my stranger friend who is making her first visit.  She asked me if it was worth it to visit.  I told her to think about how bad she thought giving her back would be and multiply that by 10.  Then I told her to take how wonderful she thought the visit itself would be and multiply that by 100.  My first visit made me a mom.  It doesn’t get much more amazing than that.  Yes, it’s worth it.