I know, I know.  It’s been pretty dull around here lately.  I’ve had nothing other than my fragile mental health to discuss lately.  Today, I started realizing that if we don’t get a referral soon, we will have to re-do documents that expire during the adoption process.  I will lose my mind if I have to re-create my hellish paperchase.  But I decided to pull a Scarlet and not think about it until tomorrow.  I can’t control it so I might as well not spend energy worrying about it yet.

I’m headed to Texas tomorrow to spend a long weekend with my momma.  Perhaps my trip will provide fodder for some blog posts.  The things I do for you people…sheesh!

Because I am eternally hopeful stupid, I talked with Steve about how we would handle things if the referral comes while I am away.  I will get the call because my cell is the number they have so I will call him.  The email would go to my home email but we would decide on the phone if he would forward it to my yahoo account (which I can access in TX) or if we would wait until I came home and open the pictures together (yeah, right).  My husband then said “you know this is not going to be an issue, don’t you?”  Even my incredibly optimistic husband has no hope of receiving a referral in the near future.  Honestly, I don’t think so either but it is fun to think about.  And I’m a planner so I needed to have the conversation.  Even a dog learns after he is smacked on the nose a few times…shouldn’t I?

Today is my birthday. Thank you for the birthday wishes for those of you who already knew that. Steve got me an ice cream cake from my favorite place (coffee ripple ice cream, chocolate cake – heaven!) and is cooking me a steak dinner. I got a new piece of luggage for our future trips to Guatemala (hard sided, 4 wheels – it is so smooth I could take it through an obstacle course) and some cute stuffed animals. I love Pooh and I’ve been hugging them when we go to Target. I might share them with our little one some day…but I might not!

I was going to write a post about 34 things that are great about being 34. But it got boring around #15. Then I was going to write about 34 stupid things I’ve done in my life. That got embarrassing around #2. So, I will just quickly say that my 30’s have been wonderful. I’m one of those odd people who enjoyed high school and college. I had jobs I loved after college (the pay sucked though). I had a bad marriage in my 20’s and a divorce. But aside from that, my overall impression of my 20’s is a positive one. Good jobs, good friends, and lots of travel and adventure. I met Steve when I was 30. I moved to this city when I was 31. We got married and bought a house when I was 32. I thought we were going to have a child while I was 33. That obviously wasn’t in the cards but that angst aside, 33 was wonderful. Steve makes everything else in my life okay. Now at 34, I look forward to becoming a mother and entering a whole new chapter in my life. I can’t wait.

I forgot to mention the funny thing that happened at the Guatemalan family picnic!

We were talking to a couple of women. They were asking how long we’ve been waiting for a referral. We were explaining the screwy referral system our agency uses. They were expressing outrage at how unfair it was. I was wrapping up the topic by saying “We don’t know when the call might come. It could be today or 6 weeks from now.” As soon as that was out of my mouth, my cell phone started ringing. (I certainly am not expecting a referral yet but still keep my cell phone kind of close.) Everyone stares at my ringing pocket with their mouths hanging open. Even though I knew it couldn’t be our referral, I still had to look and see who it was. It was Mom. But wouldn’t it have been a fun story to tell if it ended differently?

Today was the picnic. There were over 130 people there – including 54 children. I had no idea so many people in our city had adopted from Guatemala. There was only one other couple there who didn’t have a child home yet. They have been in PGN for 8 weeks. We enjoyed seeing photos of their son and talking with them.

It was a bittersweet experience. Twice I was on the verge of tears. (I told my husband if I started to cry, we had to leave.) When we first arrived and I looked at all of those happy families, I felt so out of place. My husband started pointing out pretty little girls and saying “our little girl might look like her”. I started to tear up. But I managed to push it back. Then toward the end of the picnic, a nice woman came up (noticing we were childless) and said “the waiting is so hard”. I almost started crying. But again, I sucked it up and we had a nice chat with her. Her daughter has been home for 5 years.

I was surprised that so few people spoke to us. We definitely stuck out since we didn’t have a little one in our arms. We made a mental note to reach out to anyone at the picnic next year who doesn’t have a child home yet. But the people we talked with were all very nice despite the fact we must have looked like stalkers the way we were staring at all of the beautiful children. I’m glad we went and I look forward to attending events in the future when we have a photo and then a beautiful baby in our arms to show off.

I’ve included some photos. I obscured the children’s faces because I don’t have permission to post them and don’t want to invade the privacy of the families. It was wonderful to see all of these Guatemalan children running around together. It was a place where everyone’s family was just like theirs. It was good to see the happy endings.

Several months ago, before I was completely sucked dry of any hope or enthusiasm about this process, I discovered a yahoo group of families who are in process or have adopted from Guatemala in my city. I was excited to join this group and meet others in my city who had similar experiences. An invitation was sent out to come to the annual Guat Picnic. I thought it would be fabulous – meet other families in our area, see the beautiful children, etc. I had every reason to believe that we would have a referral and be well into the process by the time September 10th rolled around. Obviously, I was wrong.

Suddenly the picnic is upon us. We have no referral. We have no idea when we might get a referral. I’m having trouble hiding my contempt for the referral process and tend to sound a little bitter when asked about it. As a result, I am a little nervous about this picnic. I’ve recovered from my meltdown last week and don’t want to revisit that mental state anytime soon. I am afraid that seeing all of these people with their children is going to make me want to crawl under the bed for a week. I’m also afraid that I won’t be able to convincingly put on a happy face and all of these people will think I’m a horrible, bitter woman. I considered not going but I would really like to meet others in our area who have adopted from Guatemala. Wish me luck at smiling until my cheeks ache tomorrow.

On a happier note, I had a girls day out with my MIL and SIL today. We did a lot of window shopping and wandered around an arts festival. Then we had a little family dinner. My MIL baked me a german chocolate cake (from scratch, bless her heart). Between shopping (and I managed not to spend any money) and chocolate, a good day was had by all.

Looks like some of you have found me! I’ve had about 50% fewer visitors today than usual so perhaps some are jealous of my new very own shiny new domain. It seems odd to have my own domain name for this little hobby of mine…but there are occasional perks to having an uber-geek for a hubby.

Everything looks pretty much the same. I even spent some time doing a blog roll finally. I have a couple more to add but if you don’t see youself there, de-lurk and comment. If you put your blog URL in the website box of the comments and I’ll check you out. Also, if you want to be anon, you can be. Simply put Anon in the name box and make up an email for the email address box – no one is checking to see if it is valid. (And still no word verification – I HATE word verification. I’m lazy like that.)
Any other aesthetic or user complaints/comments can be left and I will direct them to my hubby.

1. It is hard to keep a straight face while listening to a 300 lb trucker with 3 teeth order a “venti caramel macchiato” at 6AM.
2. 4AM wake up + 2 large lattes + 1 diet pepsi + 203 miles = serious crash from caffeine buzz at precisely 1:13PM.
3. I am incapable of getting water out of the motion activated sensor faucets at the rest areas.
4. There is one bathroom stall door with a working lock on the entire PA turnpike.
5. 75 year old man + 1 greyhound bus sized RV + 1 SUV being towed behind RV = 18 car pile up waiting to happen.
6. A medium soft drink is now 32 ounces.
7. People (read me) should not consume 32 ounces of diet pepsi unless people want to stop at every other rest area the entire way home.
8. Accidentally reading an article which calculates exactly how many calories are in a Cinnabon cinnamon bun will actually stop me from ordering a little piece of nirvana while on the turn pike – one of the joys of the turnpike by the way.
9. Starbuck’s on the turnpike has vastly improved turnpike travel.

Well, sanity has at least returned to the level it was prior to my little meltdown. Today, I can honestly say I am okay again. Between the support of my net friends (who knew all of you faceless people would be so important to me in this process?), my case worker speaking to me in soothing tones, and my husband being the amazing man that he is, I seem to be back to my normal self. I have to say my little foray into anxiety/depression wasn’t fun and gave me great respect for people who grapple with those issues throughout their lives.

I feel good today. I’m having a decent hair day (good is too much to ask for when you spend 2 ½ minutes ‘styling’ it – styling pretty much means combing). I’ve got on this cute little skirt I got at the Talbot’s outlet for $16 (love a good deal). Steve and I are headed to Target tonight to buy a few things to fill another pre-referral Ziploc which Sig has graciously offered to take to Guatemala with her. I booked my tickets to go see my momma in Texas – I leave a week from tomorrow. The sun is shining. I have to go out of town tomorrow – I hate having to leave the house at 6am and driving 4 hours each way for these quarterly meetings but I love not having to be in the office for the day. I can drink coffee and sing badly while getting paid. So basically all is okay in my world today.

And to Cathy who suggested alternating chocolate and vodka along with buying new shoes to cope with the wait, I have 2 words for you: Chocolate martini. I’ve never had one but it might be worth trying. Then go shoe shopping.

To Michelle whose friend told her “When life gives you lemons…ask for tequila and salt!” – I like you and I like your friend. I’m going to adopt that as my new philosophy I think. Hey snarky girls – we should totally have that embroidered on our jackets. *Snort*

Thank you everyone for your support (again). This process is much harder than I expected. As I said, for me it isn’t the waiting so much as the uncertainty. If I knew we were #5 on the list for girls – then I could deal with waiting. I could enjoy the anticipation of waiting for the call. I would still not love waiting but at least then I could see the end of the journey. But watching the list grow longer and knowing that we fall further down it has driven me to the brink.

My case worker (who is a sweetheart) called me today in response to the email of despair that I sent her last night. She reassured me that we wouldn’t be passed up indefinitely. She reiterated that the referral “formula”� is fluid and the director would take into consideration how long people have been waiting. I choose to believe that because I need to. No, I didn’t get any solid answers but I got what I needed today to restore a little bit of hope.

Someone commented on my post that they were considering using our agency. I want to reassure everyone that our agency isn’t evil. They usually do a very good job with the process post-referral. I and many others disagree with the referral process (or at least wish it had been disclosed before signing the contract) but few people fault their handling of things after that. Not all cases are perfect (I can think of one in particular – hugs to my snarky friend) but often it is due to situations out of the agency’s control. With the knowledge I now have, I would recommend our agency with the caveat that if you are childless and want a girl the wait will be long and you might want to consider other options. Post-referral is when you want an agency that does their job well.

I decided that I need to get away from everything for a few days and I need my mommy. I am heading to Texas to visit my mom next week – for a long weekend. (Southwest is having a great $99 each way sale on line. FYI)

So, for now, I think I can call the pity party done (or at least toned down considerably). My birthday is fast approaching and I think the thought of getting yet another year older and still not having a family sparked this particular meltdown. It is life. I have to accept my lack of control over things and move on.