I’m feeling better today on the adoption front. I got some great advice from a couple of ladies on the adoption forum message boards so we have Steve’s birth certificate issue sorted out (I hope) and the State Police Clearance request sorted out (thanks Kendra and Nina!). I also signed up for a mailing account so I can quickly but expensively mail things and did a couple of other random things I can check off the list. I swear, I’m think some days I am getting dumber.

Steve has been talking to me in soothing tones. He’s much more patient than I am. But he’s good at keeping me from getting too stressed or irritated over things. I was about to lunge across the counter at the kid in the UPS store because he insisted he couldn’t take a credit card to buy money orders – cash only. I was ranting about how ridiculous that was when our charge would be instantly approved (and it’s a card attached to our checking account so the money would come straight out of there) so there was no risk of the charge being denied. Steve grabbed the back of my shirt to keep me from grabbing the kid’s throat and reminded me we had enough cash on us to pay. [But I didn’t want to pay cash – I wanted to use the cash to buy coffee at Starbuck’s next door damnit! Besides, then I would have to go to the only ATM in our area, fighting the horrible traffic around it, that belongs to our bank to get more cash for parking next week to avoid the ridiculous ATM fees if we use a ‘foreign’ atm. It was the principle of it too.] So I spared the kid’s life, managed to still find a few bucks for a cup of coffee (kid is lucky I didn’t drink it before dealing with him), and then drove 5 miles out of the way to get to the bank. I hate the UPS store. We will go back because they can notarize, copy, fax, ship, sell money orders, and are right next to the only decent coffee in our area. But i won’t like it and I won’t be pleasant.

I hate this. I really hate this. I hate this like I hate my alarm clock on Monday morning. I hate this like I hate a bible-thumping, pro-life, pro-death-penalty, chauvinistic, self-righteous, let-them-eat-cake Republican.

Last Friday, I was in a fabulous mood because this wonderful agency accepted us as clients. This Friday, I’m standing on the ledge hoping someone will talk me down. I received the dossier requirements (25 freaking pages of requirements and instructions) from our new agency last night. I proceeded to have a minor meltdown. I have to re-do much of what was already done. I also have to add new items to my to-do list. Basically, I must gather every scrap of paper that has ever been generated about Steve or me by any government or private sector agency at any point in our lives. Then I have to have them notarized. Then I have to have them certified by the Secretary of State – not any state but whatever state they were generated in. Then I have to have them authenticated.

I was determined to get this all done in record time. Now I’m trying to convince myself that it will get done when it gets done and that is okay.

Steve has been doing his best to calm me down. He keeps throwing chocolate at me and backing away slowly. Kidding – he has been wonderful. He reminds me that it is all worth it. He reminds me that in the end we will have a child. He tells me that he will do anything I ask to help get this done. And tonight, he brought me flowers home. I need to take time everyday to be thankful that I have Steve. And I need to remember to enjoy these last months having him all to myself.

Let me start by saying I loathe baby showers*. I hate the games that you have to play. I hate sitting around in a room full of women I don’t know. I hate the way that the majority of those women use little comments and knowing looks to try and scare the shit out of the guest of honor. Cake is never a bad thing. But everything else sucks. The reason I attend baby showers? To show my love for the guest of honor and because I LOVE watching as all the gifts are opened. Even when I didn’t think I ever wanted kids, I loved shopping for baby gifts and seeing what everyone else brought to the shower. For me, a baby shower is the easiest and most fun gift giving occasion to shop for.

Second, let me say, I hate being the center of attention. I don’t like any activity which requires everyone to focus on me (unless it is work related and I am being brilliant that day). Steve tells me there is no way I am going to get out of having at least one baby shower. He says it is because people love us and will want to give us things for the baby. I know that…but ours will be a special case. I won’t be pregnant and she won’t be a newborn. For this reason, I am contemplating planning my own shower so it can be fun. First, Steve will be the co-guest of honor. I’m not sitting in the hot seat by myself – we are going co-ed. Second, there will be alcoholic beverages – no one is pregnant so why not have some wine or a margarita while ohhhing and ahhhing over the adorable gifts? Third, no favors. I hate favors. Does anyone not chuck them into the backseat of the car the moment they leave?

Finally, I love all of you who might contemplate throwing me a shower in the future…and if you feel I have to suffer through a traditional shower because you were forced to do so when you had children then I will show up, play stupid shower games, drink punch in a church basement and smile. I will also know that you did it because you love me and for pay back. But seriously…think about the alcohol.

*If I’ve attended a baby shower in your honor or thrown by you in the past, yours was the exception – it was a stellar good time.

I’m not there yet but I will be soon enough. Thought I would plan ahead and make a list (yes Amy, another list got those margaritas ready for the intervention yet?) of things to do while waiting for the adoption to be complete. Feel free to add your own in the comments section.

• Teach yourself to knit by the time the adoption is complete, you can have an entire wardrobe complete for your child – through age 12
• Stalk other people’s blogs and compare time lines
• Obsessively check message boards to check up on gossip and compare timelines
• Rearrange the furniture in the nursery weekly
• Go to the mall and stalk families with children who look like they might be internationally adopted
• Stock pile diapers, baby wipes, baby lotion, and baby soap
• Launder the wardrobe you have purchased for your child repeatedly then reorganize the closet and dresser. Again.
• Practice your glare in the mirror for anyone to who dares to ask if you have heard when your child will be coming home
• Learn Spanish. Impress the kid at the Taco Bell drive thru by ordering in Spanish.
• Practice Car Seat installation drills. Try to get your time down to 45 seconds for correct installation.
• Get used to the feel of the Baby Bjorn carrier by carrying the cat around in it.
• Seek medical attention for the scratches from the cat. Replace shredded Baby Bjorn.
• Check email for 37^th time for messages from your agency.
• Call husband and ask him to send test email to ensure email is working.
• Check voicemail for the 24^th time in case agency called while you were checking email.
• Call husband and ask him to leave you a voice mail to ensure it is working correctly.
• Check voicemail again in case agency tried to call while you were talking to your husband.
• Take deep breathes and try not to come unglued when people tell you that you have to keep living your life normally until you get “the call”.

Fortunately, I hear it is like childbirth in that all of this fades once you do get The Call.