If I was being honest, I mean deep dark recesses of my mind that I don’t usually say out loud honest, I would tell you that having no contact with the birth mom went into the Pro column when deciding on international adoption.  It was by no means a deciding factor but it was there, in my mind, as a positive as compared to domestic adoption. Five years later, I have trouble believing I thought that way. From the moment the adoption was final (read: the moment we stopped operating through a haze of fear), Sabrina’s birth mom became a part of our hearts and our family. I expected that feeling would remain but I didn’t expect that it would grow with time.  With every year that passes, I feel more connected to this woman who carried our (hers and mine) daughter for 9 months. I ache more for this woman who made the ultimate sacrifice and kissed our beautiful girl and wished her well. I want so badly to be in touch with this brave woman and let her know how amazing our daughter is and how incredibly loved she is. I really didn’t expect my feelings for this stranger to grow stronger each year but as I watch Sabrina become this incredible girl I want so badly to share the joy of her with the woman responsible for her life. Each year I become more resolute – I will find her someday.  I want her to have the opportunity to know our girl (assuming she wants that).

I spent Sabrina’s birthday tearing up on and off all day as I thought of her birth mom. But I also spent the day getting ready for her first friend party (we usually just do a family thing).  Sabrina wanted a princess party.  In Sabrina’s world princess = whatever she likes.  The girls had tutus and wands.  The boys had pirate hats and eye patches.  Everyone enjoyed some chaotic play time  then pizza then cake.  A good time was had by all.

Photo taken by Crystal

She is just becoming so grown up.  Sometimes as I look through photos, I’ll see a moment captured and it will take my breath away.  An angle, an expression, a posture and suddenly I can see the woman she will be.  It fills me with joy and grief.  We all know time passes too quickly but to actually see the days speeding by never fails to startle me.

The girls weren’t quite as cooperative with the photos on day 2 of school.

They both had a great second day. And both were complete cranks for most of the afternoon and evening. Hopefully, they will get used to the schedule soon.

And the car rider line at Sabrina’s elementary school is almost awful enough to convince me to let her ride the bus. But she just seems too little to navigate the bus!

I had a bit of a melt down last night. I put the girls to bed and started packing their backpacks for school.  I started to cry and could not stop. I called STeve, mid-sob.  I couldn’t even answer him about what was wrong at first until I managed to snuffle out “MAH BAYBEES!” He had the typical man response “Yeah. How did they both grow up so quickly?” (Sounding bored.) That made me cry harder because he wasn’t taking it seriously enough in my head. On top of the “I’ll blink and they will be moving out” thoughts in my head, I was also having a pity party because I was having to do this alone.  I wanted my partner here to listen to me sob and whine and cry.  It was quite the waterworks show. But I managed to either dehydrate myself to the point of not being able to cry anymore or get it all out because this morning I was okay.

I walked Sabrina into her classroom.  Her best friend from pre-school is in her class so she barely said goodbye to me.  Then, I took Tessa to her class.  She was excited and in full on “I do it myself” mode. She had toys in each hand before I walked out.  I might have gotten a little teary eyed when I returned to my empty car but it passed pretty easily.  I had breakfast with some other mommas, came home for a little more than an hour, then returned to pick Sabrina up (it was a half day).

I took her out to lunch, just the 2 of us which she thought was fabulous.  Then we picked up a few new books for the girls because if I have to read 1 more Dora or Max & Ruby book I might go around the bend.  Then we picked up Tessa.

Sabrina reported that she had a great day and can’t wait to go back for her first full day on Thursday (they stagger start this week and then next week go full time).  Tessa’s teachers reported that she did great.  She had fun and talked a lot.  She didn’t nap (which made for a lovely afternoon – she fell asleep in my lap for a little bit and then resumed her grump reign of terror) because she was missing me a little but otherwise had a great day.  She also can’t to go back.  I’m so thankful they both had great first days.  And I’m ready for a little more time to myself.

The girls and I had a pretty easy and uneventful drive from TN to Pittsburgh.  Traveling alone adds its own unique challenges to a road trip.  I learned to change a DVD while hurtling down the highway.  I also learned there is no easy way to take 2 young children into a public restroom – it is infinitely ickier than taking 1 child in with you.  But it was all the good.  We spent 2 days in Pittsburgh. One of those days, my girls hung out with their grandparents while Steve went to work.  I slept in, had lunch with my husband, then went shopping all by myself. I went into Pier 1 with no intention of buying anything but just because there would be no little hands touching things. It was lovely.

We only had 1 child with us on the way to the beach (Sabrina road with her grandparents).  Tessa liked getting to choose all of the movies but after 8 hours of Dora episodes I was starting to get a twitch in my left eyelid. The trip to the beach was long but fine…until we were about 80 miles from our destination.  Then traffic just stopped.  We crawled along for the next 4+ hours to go those last 80 miles.  We were all a little stir crazy by the time we got out of the car.  (This was the first time we’ve ever gone to Corolla during the Peak Peak season so we were shocked by the volume of traffic. It usually isn’t quiet that heavy.)

Tessa loved the ocean.  (Tessa called the ocean “Pool! Big!” So stinking cute it made me melt every single time.) She loved the waves knocking her around.  It required constant vigilance to keep her from trying to swim to Africa. Sabrina wanted nothing to do with the ocean and cried anytime we tried to get her in deeper than her ankles.  She did like playing in the sand. But both girls agreed that the pool was the most awesome of all.  Sabrina refused to try to swim without her floatie despite her swimming lessons but Tessa would have jumped in the deep end without it if we had let her.  She was paddling around independently (with her floatie) and jumping off the side and off of the steps – she kept us on our toes.

We celebrated Tessa’s 3rd birthday (a week early) with cupcakes and bubbles and a pinata and noisemakers.

I took over 125 shots one evening at the beach trying to get just 1 or 2 really nice photos of the girls together.  It wasn’t very successful. The best of the bunch are a little out of focus. Sabrina lost patience with it quickly and is scowling in the last 100.

The girls’ almost 7 yr old cousins were there.  All the kids shared a room together.  I don’t think the older kids loved having to be quiet early because Tessa was sleeping but they were all so good with and to Tessa that it was kind of amazing.  And they let Sabrina be one of the big kids for the week.  Sabrina was simply over the moon and the couple of times that we had to say no to something because she wasn’t quite big enough (a late night beach walk, etc) she almost lost her mind but she was so tired from trying to keep up that she usually passed out before she was able to complain to much.

I’m big enough to admit when I’m wrong.  And while the total trip experience couldn’t be called a vacation, my week at the beach was definitely a vacation.  My husband made sure that I was able to sleep in and take naps.  My inlaws were so excited to spend time with my kids that I didn’t get to see much of the girls.  The girls were over the moon with all of the people to play with them (including cousins) that they checked to make sure I hadn’t left the state but otherwise wanted very little to do with mommy.  By the 4th day at the beach, Steve started to give me a back rub (he gives the best massages – I carry my tension in my shoulders) and said he couldn’t remember ever feeling me so loose.  It was fabulous.

The trip back from the beach was long but fine. We left just early enough to miss most of the traffic (FYI that would be 6am).  We stopped very minimally and it still took 11 hours. We determined that if we can find something 8 hour or less that has big homes with pools for rent we might change the venue next year.  It is just so dang far to OBX.  We love Corolla (it is impossible to find such a quiet, family oriented beach anywhere else drivable) but just such a long drive.

After a very warm Sunday in the ‘Burgh, the girls and I bid farewell to the Pittsburgh contingent of the family and headed 2 hours west to see my sister (and her husband and my nephew) and step-mom.  We had a lovely day with them then packed up early on Tuesday for what should have been a relatively easy drive home.  Except it wasn’t. It should have been 8ish hours.  Instead it was 14+.  Traffic was insane.  We hit 4 large different jams.  At one point, I might have been in tears out of shear frustration. But, we arrived home safely.

My sister with the girls

My nephew is 17…the phone only leaves his hand when he is on his laptop.

It has taken Tessa almost a week to really recover sleep-wise.  Sabrina seemed to bounce back in just a few days (but the attitude lingers on).  It was interesting taking an extended road trip with my girls but it was fabulous to get home to my own bed.  Now if we can just arrange it so that we live in the same city as my husband, life would be grand.

Happy birthday to my dearest Tessa!  I can’t believe it has been 3 years since you were born but I can’t imagine life before you. You are the funniest, quirkiest, most stubborn, most difficult, sweetest, most cuddly 3 year old I’ve ever encountered.

You have this amazing ability to be incredibly laid back 75% of the time but the other 25 % of the time you can’t be pleased no matter what.

You are able to kick back and relax in a way that I rarely see toddlers do but when you are involved with something you have incredible focus for a 3 year old.

You still aren’t talking much but we are so curious to hear what you have to say!  Happy birthday my sweet girl.

Vacation? I had one. I know what I said but I didn’t take into account my amazing husband and wonderful in-laws. I’ll be back to tell you all about it but right now we are all doing this:

13 days, 2400+ miles in the car, 8 states, and 4 different beds takes a lot out of us! (And this one? She is 3 tomorrow. WTF?)

My girls favorite time of the day right now is when Daddy calls on the computer.  We Skype almost every night.  Unfortunately, on those rare nights when we can get a hold of Daddy for some reason, it causes copious amounts of drama.  But most nights, they happily climb into the chair and talk to Daddy on the computer.  Sabrina reports what she did that day and asks Daddy what he had for dinner.  Tessa mostly makes silly faces and giggles when Daddy steals her nose.

We leave in 2 days to see Daddy so the girls are very excitedly helping me pack.

Steve left Monday morning after a wonderful week at home with us.  The girls dealt with his return better than I did. I had insomnia when I suddenly had to share the bed again – they didn’t bat an eye.  The girls also handled his departure better than I did. Fortunately, we will see him in just over a week.  A few photos from the past week.

This just cracked me up.  Tessa brought me her swimsuit and insisted we put it on over her PJs. The child dances to the beat of her own drummer.

Apparently, running through a sprinkler on a hot day isn’t intuitive.  The girls had no idea what to do with this.  Sabrina eventually warmed up to it but Tessa wasn’t a fan.

Multiple folks in my neighborhood set off professional grade fireworks for the 4th of July.

I knew that Sabrina loved watching the fireworks last year but this was Tessa’s first year watching them.  I wasn’t sure how she was going to react.  She likes her sleep so the fact that they didn’t start until almost an hour after her usual bedtime seemed like we were already headed for disaster.  But I spread a blanket in our front yard and we settled in to watch.  We had a 360 view of fireworks for well over an hour.  I don’t think I have ever seen Tessa more excited about anything in her life.  She danced. She clapped.  She gasped. She cheered. She laughed. She asked for more. She was completely enchanted by the whole thing.  Watching the girls watch the fireworks was even better than the fireworks displays for me. One of the best nights of my year.

I almost didn’t post this because someone left a nasty comment last time I posted a photo like this. But I will not allow trolls to control what I post on my blog. You know who you are – if you have that much contempt for my family then please don’t visit my little corner of the world wide web again.

Do you notice anything in this photo?

It started over the weekend.  I had some people over for bunco on Friday night so I had taken away the chairs with the boosters on them.  In the morning, as I dragged my hungover self into the kitchen to make breakfast, Tessa immediately started dragging her chair the booster back to the table.  Sabrina, on the other hand, was delighted.  She hopped up into the chair and declared she didn’t want her booster seat anymore.  (It hasn’t had straps in ages – it was just for height.)  I was looking at her in her chair today and was struck by what a big girl she is.  She is starting to catch up in height even.  She wears 5T which is right where the fashion industry says she should be (big in the waist but needs the length).

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Sunday night as we were reading bedtime books, she gazed out the window at the older kids still playing in our cul-de-sac. She wanted to know why they were still outside playing when she was headed to bed.  I told her that in a couple of years, when she was bigger and older, she would still be outside playing too.  She wistfully said “I want to big right now mommy.”  I told her that she would be big in the blink of an eye and not to rush it.

This dress seems to especially make her look taller and older to me. (Putting on another dance show for me.)

Modeling her swim suit cover up before her first swimming class:

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Despite the fact that I’ve been slapped in the face all week with how big she is getting, the swimming lessons brought home that she is still not as big as she thinks.  At swimming lessons, she looked so small compared to the other kids (ages vary but she wasn’t the youngest).  They don’t allow parents down at the pool during the lessons but she was the only who came back in tears at the end of the hour.  They made her put her head under water.  She had gotten water up her nose and it scared her.  She really wanted me but I wasn’t right there.  I hated that I couldn’t be right there to scoop her up but then I know that is why they don’t allow parents at the pool. Today she is whining that she doesn’t want to go to her lessons if I can’t be right there watching.  So even though she wants very badly to be big, she still needs her mommy.  Which I kind of love.